Most of the leaves are glowing beautiful shades of orange, red, and light brown by now. There is a chill in the air as fall comes blanketing in. This is my favorite time of year. Some days you need a very light jacket but it’s not necessary if you’re wearing long sleeves. It’s something about the fall that makes me feel warm. It’s comforting to my spirit. I could live in fall.
A lot has been going on with me lately. On the up side, I have been working hard at booking Positively Infected across the US. We have a few big shows coming up. In December we will travel to Jessup, GA and Myrtle Beach, SC, and in Feb we will perform in Charlotte, NC. It is my dream to show the program for high school seniors and college students across the United States. It’s one thing to send our kids into the real world with a skill that can get them a job but it’s just as important that we send them off with something that can save their lives. I feel that Positively Infected is that program. Because it’s not in the standard workshop form, the audience actually pays attention from the beginning to the end. It’s both a joy and a humbling experience working with the cast on this project.
I’ve only had a few acting and theater classes but I have heart and passion and I’m able to convey that to my cast. I’m no formal director but I know how to make use of what I have and that’s what gives me the drive to go on. Sometimes it’s scary because I want to make sure that I’m giving them the best experience possible. Other times, it’s very rewarding when I have someone contact me after a few years to express how much they learned while working with me. Those moments give me the strength to go on. Trust me when I say that this journey has been so hard.
I never set out to be a jack-of-all-trades but I have had to do everything by myself. I have never had any help or a willing hand to help me along the way. A close friend recently told me it’s because I have the ability to look incredibly in control even in the midst of turmoil. I appreciate that my demeanor can come off in control but I would give anything to have a great mentor, someone that can guide me or help make things a little easier. Most days I work 8-5, rehearse 6-9, and spend all time in-between researching information.
The key to happiness is finding something that you would gladly do for free and there lies your passion. I have found my passion but I can not eat off my passion. It does not feed me nor pay my bills. I can not pay my car note on my passion, my creditors will not wait for my passion. I have combed the job boards over and over searching for something, anything, that I can put my all into and I come up empty handed. I am the first to say that if you don’t like something then you should change it but what happens when there is no opportunity for change. Then you have to learn how to live in that moment without losing all of you in the process, which just so happens to be mighty darn hard because right around the corner is a liquor bottle waiting for you to drown your shortcomings in. Whew, guess I had to get that off my chest.
I don’t need an opportunity, I need a Blessings. I need the fruit of my labor to make itself worthy. I have planted, tilled, watered, fed, shared, and weeded my garden. I have kept it damp through the drought, I’ve removed the bugs and vermin attempting to take from it. I’ve plucked that which was no longer living and when it rained too much, I funneled the excess water so that it was not drowned. I have patiently plowed row after row after row through seasons and yet I feel as if I continue to come up empty handed. Some people are scared of reaping what they have sown. I am screaming to receive such.
There are times that following my dreams turns me into a screaming child, kicking and yelling at the top of my lungs until I am tired and can do nothing but dry my own tears and try again. I am not impatient, I am ready. The other night my mother, who I rarely speak about things of substance with, told me that I should be famous by now. According to her, she has always believed in her heart that I was going to be make it. An avid reader, she says that my work is some of the best that she has ever read and all it’s going to take is for me to get my stuff into the write person hands. She told me that I need to email Ellen, Oprah, and Steve Harvey… She actually said that I should have done that by now and that I should mail them every week. But in my heart of hearts, I feel like what about the God that gave me these gifts. Will he not also provide an avenue for me to display them? Is the common man to take credit for what God has planted. And honestly, if it’s just as simple as contacting people then what about the hundreds of emails I have sent to organizations across the United States. I digress. Though at times, my heart breaks. I simply piece back the pieces and continue trying.
My new book of poetry will be published next month. Just in time for Christmas. I’ll likely do a stocking stuffer special and allow people to purchase personally autographed copies for family and friends. The title is Rejuvenescence: After The Pain. It is reminiscent of the things I’ve gone through the past 7 years.
This post is getting pretty long so I’ll cut it off here and post another one on turning 30….
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